Single Mom 102

mundaine but ok with that ;o)

2012-01-29T10:42:00.004-05:00

Kaitlyn is spending the day at the aquarium with my sisters and our cousin KK and I am going to go to meet Danielle, Amanda and hopefully Jess for our traditional Bloody Mary Sunday...which started way back when Jess and I started sneaking away on a Sunday afternoon to this restaurant that had a Bloody Mary Special and thus we dubbed it Bloody Mary Sunday even though the bloody Mary's are not always present ;o)

Yesterday K and I went to a birthday party for Lys's kids which was a lot of fun, other than K getting her arm pinched in the door, so ugly bruise today and a fight with Mary at the end...K was so funny we were the first there and she started singing "the party don't start till I walk in..." a song she heard on the bus and now loves and sings all the time....

Our week looks about normal, karate three times, GS, lots of homework, rock wall for K, kickboxing for me, a trip to the library...school for both of us and whatever else in in the mix that you dont think of off hand like cooking and cleaning etc

have a great week all!

RIP Etta James

2012-01-20T11:55:00.000-05:00

Tebowie (1/12/12)

2012-01-15T19:35:00.000-05:00

Mile stones...

2012-01-13T10:57:00.001-05:00

Today Kaitlyn is having her first spelling test; we've practiced the words every day this week and done all the homework for it....I'm so nervous for her lol she was more worried about running into a black cat since its Friday the 13th :o) I hope she does well!

Here I sit.....

2012-01-11T19:01:00.004-05:00

Here I sit at my desk while K sits behind me playing on her art game on Wii.....its been so long since I've last blogged, I'm not even sure where to start or what to say....so weird since there was a time I blogged daily and sometimes twice a day lol

Things are good for the most part, biggest complaint would be that I was laid off at the end of September and haven't found a new position yet....but on the upside I am going back to college in a few weeks, nervous as hell but also excited about it.....

Kaitlyn is doing great, I am blessed ;o) she's so beautiful and smart, sometimes too smart lol mostly smart mouthed, seriously do all 6 year olds use sarcasm? She is excelling at both school and karate, has a lot of friends, is very opinionated, loves and appreciates both art and reading and makes me laugh every day, just to name a few :o) I truly love being her mom...well except at homework time lol that I could do without its so much and she's only in first grade, I have nightmares over what it will be in say 5th! Occassionally she will say something about her father that makes me sad for her but thankfully she bounces back pretty quick, she is lucky to have some great men in her life to compensate for his lack of interest.

Am in touch with all my bff's on a semi regular period lol I say that because we call are hibernating this time of year well other than Amanda.....some external family drama but there usually is with them which is why I try to avoid them for the most part.....

The mother daughter dance is next weekend...which I hate going too lol because I hate having to make small talk with the other moms...but regardless I will put on my smile and go have some fun with K, though she mostly ditches me the second we get there and dances the entire time with her little friends and only comes back to me for drinks and to hold her stuff ;O)

sometimes I feel this way more than I'd like to admit...

2011-12-29T14:57:00.000-05:00

4th of July ;o)

2011-07-04T20:05:00.000-04:00

Happy Independence day!

I had a wondeful weekend, with family and friends and my amazing daughter and had two very different, life impacting things confirmed.

Life is fuuny, how does that song go? You can't always get what you want......

Rihanna - What's My Name? ft. Drake

2011-06-18T20:08:00.000-04:00

Alicia Keys - Un-thinkable (I'm Ready)

2011-06-18T20:00:00.000-04:00

I confess I am a blog slacker....

2011-06-12T14:37:00.002-04:00

Things have a way of getting away from you....or me at least....it seems like there is always something going on; K has an endless round of activities and events to go too, there is always work, family obligations, friends- which are not obligations but its so hard to get everyone on the same schedule, harder now that some don't want to hang with others....and well then there is my love theres never enough time when it comes to him.....

So first off: K is great, getting so big, we're planning her 6th birthday party, a luau...she's graduating from kindergarten in another week but before then has music night, family night and a bday party to go too, plus she is all about something new she learned at karate...she's been talking more than ever about her father lately which is hard but I think we're on a good page with it all....I signed her up for summer camp, which basically means I will be broke for the next 9 weeks lol broker than broke, but she is worth it and I'd rather have her in there than just hanging out with my mom and the neighbor kids all day everyday. I am so content with being a Mommy, I think I do a pretty good job, K is ahead of where she should be lol she is so fresh though, 6 going on 16...

Work, is challenging, its the first job ever where i haven't been on top of my game straight out, its weird for me not to be the best and I'm not saying that to be cocky just saying its a different humbling feeling for me, but it won't beat me and I will be on top! trust!

Family is good, hoping my sister C gets a job soon or I'm afraid she'll head back to S Korea for a sure thing....my Dad announced he is retiring when he's 65 so 4 more years....my brother and his gf broke up which makes me sad for him, but also since she was always so standoffish happy too cause to be honest I've only got one brother so he better marry someone I like :o)

Friends, well I couldn't ask for better friends they all have something different to offer and all balance me in various ways, I hope that my daughter has friends like I do when she's older friends that will not only pick you up when you fall, but friends that will truly be there for you through thick and thin......

And last but not least my love....he called me last night 3 am his time *he's 6 hours ahead right now...just to hear my voice, how sweet is that? just to tell me how much he misses me and how I keep him grounded and how he can't wait to come home....awe.....he makes me feel like things that I had long ago given up on are possible....

Godsmack - Whatever

2011-02-23T19:13:00.000-05:00

Rihanna - What's My Name? ft. Drake

2011-01-29T15:27:00.000-05:00

No complaints ;o)

2010-12-04T09:57:00.000-05:00

We're getting our tree today ;o) and K and I are practicing some new recipes for the cookie exchange next week ;o) at the moment we are at karate, she is doing front kicks and I am freezing on the sideline.

My love comes home Tuesday ;o)

Love my new job ;o)

No complaints my friends, no complaints ;o)

Dave Matthews Band - What Would You Say

2010-12-02T18:55:00.000-05:00

just sayin.....

2010-11-23T10:23:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I am irationally insecure, love is a tricky bastard ;o)

Saturday....

2010-11-20T09:46:00.000-05:00

I am sitting at karate, freezing, watching my girl kick some serious butt lol she is so aggressive when it comes to winning.

Ha so I did something for a friend that I am normally against, I was the cover story so they could cheat, but this friend is in a pretty shitty relationship that they just don't know how to get out of so there's my justification. Anyway, the signifiant other checks friends texts so we had some fun with wording things so they'd seem innocent but were so damn funny to us ;o)

Ok can't continue being annoyed by soccer mom next to me.....

2010-11-16T09:50:00.003-05:00

Last night....*swoon* lol yup I said swoon, my b/f is so sweet and funny and *sigh* just everything I've ever wanted in a man.

I am totally in love. Like head over heels, dive off the deep end, in love. So much so that I made the big invite and asked him to spend Christmas day with my family.

Kaitlyn has decided she is not a b/f fan basically she is jealous that she thinks he is going to steal me away from her....not easy to convince her otherwise but eventually she will come around, and he is so good about making sure she knows she is first and loved.

Its such a wonderful time in my life, getting ready to start a new job, being in love, having such a wonderful support system of amazing friends (Danielle, Amanda, Lys, Karly, Erick, Jess to name a few) my wonderful family and this delightful man....its good to be me ;o)

sigh

2010-11-13T09:45:00.000-05:00

So for a little while there I felt like a lot of things were turning sour, I hate my job, my b/f is away, drama with K's bio Dad or as she calls him Bear, just felt like I wasn't in conrtol.

So I took control.

I got a new better amazing job that I start at the end of the month, I decided after talking too K, her Grandfather, my father, my b/f and friends to end all contact with Bear, and I've made more time for my b/f getting up early to skype and wow old fashioned snail mail is somehow romantic.

Thanks too some amazing friends and wonderful family and a boyfriend that makes me feel lol well he makes me feel like it will all have a happily ever after....

For the douchbag...

2010-11-12T14:43:00.001-05:00

Just to clear this up:

2010-11-11T09:42:00.001-05:00

Single-parent
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopediaJump to: navigation, search
"Single Father" redirects here. For the the 2010 BBC television series, see Single Father (TV series).

Single-parent (also lone parent, solo parent and sole parent) is a parent who cares for one or more children without the physical assistance of the other parent in the home. "Single Parenthood" may vary according to the local laws of different nations or regions.

Single parenthood may occur for a variety of reasons. A few possible scenarios are by choice, as in, divorce, adoption, artificial insemination, surrogate motherhood, while others are the result of an unforeseeable occurrence, such as a death, child abuse, child neglect, or abandonment by biological parents.

The living and parenting arrangements for single parents are diverse. A number live in households with family, other adults or alone in home, apartments, condos or government assisted housing. When parents separate, one party, usually the primary parent, has the children the majority of the time but secondary or 'non-resident' parents continue to share some type of parenting time and responsibility, to some extent, with their child.[1]

It is a term that is mostly used to suggest that one parent has most of the day to day responsibility in the raising of the child or children. In western society in general, following separation, a child will end up with a 'primary carer' (the main carer, eg in UK over 90% of the time the mother[2]) and a 'secondary carer', normally the father. In the UK, and U.S.A for example, it is widely practiced, that it is in the 'children's best interests' to have both parents' involvement, encourage each parent to respect the other parents in the children's presence and financial help through child support for the parent that carries the most responsibility when parents separate. Any benefits, tax credits and related government-sponsored assistance are given 100% to the primary carer, if the secondary parent does not have the ability to financially care for their child, thus the child falls 300% below the poverty line of society standards, this can be either mother, legal guardian or father.

Jill Scott "Hate On Me"

2010-11-10T19:01:00.000-05:00

HATE!

2010-11-10T18:44:00.005-05:00

I have never hated anyone in my life. I have disliked someone, I have avoided someone, I have rolled my eyes at someone and said some rude remarks to someone, but I have never hated anyone.

Until now.

The thing is once you start to hate someone, it multiplies like those fuzzy things in that one star trek episode, yes i know star trek have you met my brother and father?

So I HATE that I HATE someone. I HATE that he makes me HATE him, I HATE that more than I HATE him. Almost.

This is why I HATE my job....

2010-11-10T12:07:00.000-05:00

My last call went something like this:

Caller: hi there is a car in front of my house….

Me: ok….

Caller: its been there for like 3 weeks….

Me: Ok….

Caller: so what can I do about that?

Me: so your saying there’s an abandoned car in front of your house? Is that correct?

Caller: yes. What can I do about it?

Me: I don’t know, call the police? Call the town? Call a tow truck? But you know who you shouldn’t call? The {company I work for}

Caller: yeah but you guys were going by so I thought I’d just call you.

Katrina & The Waves - Walking On Sunshine

2010-11-05T09:23:00.000-04:00

overwhelmed!

2010-10-25T11:54:00.001-04:00

I am feeling completely overwhelmed today, I want to cry, I want to go home and curl into a ball, I want to cuddle my daughter and not leave my house for a week. I hate feeling like this! Am I too old for an old school tantrum? Kicking and screaming, pounding my firsts and feet on the floor?

2010-10-22T10:07:00.003-04:00

TGIF!

I am feeling much more like myself today, what a rough few days with Kaitlyn being sick, it was nuts, she was throwing up, of course she wouldn't throw up in the toilet because people put there butts here, so she had to use a trash can, she had a fever, a migrane, she couldn't sleep, was just miserable, I had to keep changing her sheets and giving her baths, hell she got sick on the cat on the race to the bathroom and I had to give him a bath! lol the joys of parenthood!

So Kaitlyn isn't sick anymore, not that her father cared, I sent him a text just because I was exhausted and feeling like he should know that she's ill of course I didn't get a response because he clearly does not give a shit. Let me tell you who does care though: her teacher, the sensei at karate, my family, his family, the mail lady who K meets every day, my friends, like 75 friends on facebook who all wanted to know how she was, the woman at the bakery….pretty sad that everyone who heard she was sick was concerned and reached out other than her father. I don’t understand him, but then I’ve given up trying, and sadly I think she has too, she was making a picture and put the first letter of everyone’s name on it and asked me 'should I put D for Dad or B for Bear' and I told her that was up to her and she put the B, that spoke VOLUMES to me, but he would probably just not care because it doesn’t impact him. He probably only thinks of her when he sees his paycheck. He missing out on a beautiful, smart, wonderful, funny, sweet, fresh lol child, one that has so many of his better qualities, one that should make him proud, I feel so bad for him, he's missed so much and continues to miss things and I just will never understand why, he is a sad man.

ANYWAY, I miss my man lol I hate that he's so far away, I just want to curl up next to him and let him tell me everything is going to be ok, he says that but it loses the impact without the cuddle. I can't wait for him to come home to me.....how crazy that I am so head over heels in love with this man, I never thought I'd be in love again and now I am.... life, its never what you expect it to be...

Anyway, have a great weekend all!

The Beatles - "Birthday"

2010-10-18T08:14:00.000-04:00

Tesla - Love Song

2010-10-12T08:17:00.000-04:00

what an eventful and costly weekend.....

2010-10-10T21:00:00.003-04:00

Sooooo....I had to put my car in the shop....$400 later...

Kaitlyn HAD to have Beauty & the Beast, she had only seen the Christmas version so of course everywhere was sold out and 4 stores and $30 later....we got it....

Karate, great, K is the lead in her class now, great but tournament is coming up so that was $45 to register and they are having their Halloween party $25....

I took K to Autumnfest, she went on every ride, rode the pony, did rock climbing, played games, had her picture sketched, got cotton candy, made sand art, had lunch and I'm sure some other things that don't jump to mind but 4 hours and $110 later lol

Yesterday was Kaitlyn's father's birthday, he turned 40. I told her it was his birthday and that if she wanted to call him she could, and sent him a text that she'd be calling later in the day. So she called him, of course got VM which was funny because she said before she called that she knew that she would get the vm and not him, and she left him a cute message and told him to 'give a girl a call and that if Mommy answers tell her your calling for me and she'll pass me the phone" lol then she told him she loved him and said goodbye. I am so proud of her, she just called him and said what she wanted too and then let it go, I feel bad she has no expectations of him and already is the grown up in that relationship.

Went to beer tent with Amanda and Amy, had fun but ran into a cousin on a bathroom break and ended up ducking out....but then met up with my handsome man and it was all good ;o)

Today K went to the Autumn party at my Dad's work with him and my mom, she had a blast and had my dad rowing her in a boat out on the lake there ;o) then she came home for an hour and my sisters picked her up for the night so they can go to the corn maze tomorrow when I am working.

Lastly my lovie is going back to France on Tuesday for 6 weeks ;o( I know we'll skype the shit out of one another during that time lol but I'll miss him, I really will, he makes me so happy in a way that I haven't been in so long, I can always be myself with him, he always makes me laugh, he reminds me of who I was before Bear partially because he knew me then, he makes sure I know he's good with me putting K first, he makes her a priority, he shares with me his woes and his good times, and I just look forward to our time spent together. I joke that this is what keeps our relationship good, the time we spend apart, makes us talk more than we may otherwise...

ok so work tomorrow peeps, my first columbus day working in like 15 years lol weird! Hope everyone had a great and safe weekend!

nothing like a little family drama to start the day....

2010-10-05T09:36:00.001-04:00

My cousin's wife.....

http://www2.turnto10.com/news/news/2010/oct/05/8/amber-alert-out-2-children-ar-249865/

Rise Against - For What It's Worth

2010-09-11T19:17:00.000-04:00

Family knows who you were, but friends KNOW who you are ....

2010-09-10T22:41:00.002-04:00

Its so funny I am held to certain standards by my family because in their heads I am the way I was when I was 16; a little hot headed, a little selfish, a little demanding, a lot rebellious, slightly judgemental... to name a few of the worst of my sweet 16ness not to say i haven't retained all of those negative things to a certain extent but thankfully they have lessened as other things have taken priority....thankfully my friends see me as I am today, good and bad and they make me feel like I don't have to answer for who I was, they just accept me for me and appreciate that and its all good.

Paul makes me feel like that lol and weirdly enough he's known me my entire life so he knows good and bad, he makes me smile just thinking about him, makes me laugh, lets me make my daughter a priority and encourages me in ways that well just makes me feel like anything is possible. I love going out with him, he collects people, I tell everyone its the French lol he just has this charm, and the accent doesn't hurt lol I have never said this about any man before but I feel like he is the one, THE ONE people, such a huge thing to say, to think....he just truly makes me happy, and I just want to be with him and my daughter and maybe just maybe we will eventually be a family and though that scares the ever loving shit out of me I am so excited to have it happen.

I hope someday my family catches up and ya know i am guilty of it as well I fall into old habits and treat them like I am big sis or cousin or whatever and they are whatever they were....family....hard to break the habits of yesterday but at least I try to catch myself and treat them as I want to be treated...do onto others and all that good stuff ;o)

have a great weekend all ;o)

2010-09-06T10:51:00.000-04:00

I don't understand how I can work hard everyweek and yet work out my budget for the month and no matter what I do I'm short, makes me want to cry lol no actually I am crying its so damn frustrating. I try and try and get no where, its like jogging in the sand.....

Happy 87th Birthday to my Nana & happy 47th to Uncle Ttom!

2010-09-05T16:56:00.000-04:00

Love my family....

Crazy Bitch by BuckCherry - Lyrics - Great Quality (Audio)

2010-08-25T18:57:00.000-04:00

karma is a bitch

2010-08-25T15:36:00.001-04:00

And so is your recent ex lol ha ha took longer than expected for her to smarten up but I get how dick makes you stupid sometimes lol I know hateful but I earned the right to be spitful in this case paid for it with an ocean of tears so hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

sometimes you can't let go...

2010-08-23T19:26:00.001-04:00

ever have someone in your past that has a way of being in your present even though they aren't doing anything to try to be there, they just are?

lol talk about ghosts of bf's past....

5 years old and needs a day planner!

2010-08-22T15:50:00.001-04:00

Every week K seems to have a party or something to go to, lol I actually had to schedule time next week for her Uncle to come visit her, they were each having withdrawals from one another lol but I am going to have to schedule a little extra mommy time soon ;O)

311 - Love Song

2010-08-22T15:42:00.000-04:00

:o)

2010-08-18T20:25:00.002-04:00

So I am going to Maine to visit family Labor Day weekend with my parents and K, I can't wait, I'm going to see my old friends, lol is it weird that I used to hang out at a bar that was actually called the bears den? before I ever met bear.....lol ironic I guess that I traded the den for the bear and now I have a cub? lol can you tell I've had a drink? I don't drink enough apparently cause one drink and I am giggling at myself.

My amour is coming home the day after I get back from Maine, I am so excited to see him, ok I am like jump up and down happy, I know gag, but he makes me so happy, he is so sweet and just hot as hell, but in a french nerdy way lol and he goes out of his way to make sure he makes me smile everyday, he always asks about things that I care about, he lets me bitch and gossip and makes me laugh about that he reminds me how every day with K is a blessing and I should think of it as such, he called everyone he could that played soccer and got K into a Fall league even though she's not the 'right' age just because he knew she wanted to play lol and because he said it will make her fall right asleep at night and give us more time. I miss him when he's gone and I think about him more than I'd ever admit, he tells me he loves me and I smile and he tells me he knows I love him too even though I am too stubborn to admit it, truthfully I'm not to stubborn to admit it but still too afraid...I know I am able to joke about the Bear situation and not cry over it but I also still wear those scars and worry, even though I know Jess said she'll kill him for me if he hurts me lol, I worry that if things didn't work out I wouldn't be able to pick up the pieces...but he tells me we'll always be friends, and I believe him after all I have known him my entire life....lol life, love, its all a gamble...

anyway...

how do people with more than one kid afford school shopping? HOLLY CRAP!

to post bellow

2010-08-17T11:54:00.000-04:00

Won't let me comment but lol I didn't say I don't disapline K I just feel like that's all I do, she is actually one of the best mannered kids you'll find lol I will not let her be anything but well manered and behaved, she is s 5 year old that knows the word consequences ;o)

Single Mom working woes....

2010-08-16T19:19:00.004-04:00

Being back to work full time sucks, its not the job, but I hate being away from my baby. Ok I know she's not a baby anymore, she is starting Kindergarten in a few weeks but I hate the time away from her, hate that I see her for a few minutes in the morning and then maybe an hour at night before her bedtime and weekends, in between her other activities.

I miss her, I am almost crying over it, how lame is that! And I feel like when we are together it always ends up being a time when I have to be the Mom and tell her what to do and what not to do, I don't want her growing up thinking her Mom is a bitch because all I do is work and tell her what to do!

We had such a crazy weekend, karate, farmers market, school shopping, bday parties, and then last night I let her stay up late to watch Dora's bday and then she didn't want to go to sleep and I was losing my patience and I raised my voice so of course right after I felt like an asshole and had to go in and apologize to her and try to explain to her why I lost my patience...I just don't
want to be like that with her when our time is so limited....

I joke to my parents that if they'd raised me different I could be lazy and let the government support us, but seriously I want to be an example to my daughter that my parents are to me, you work for what you want, be a worker, be a productive member of society...but in doing that I lose all this precious time with my daughter, I'm her only parent I want to be there for everything....I just feel like I do her such an injustice being a single mom sometimes...I don't want her to grow up and resent me for not doing more or being there more for her, I just want to be a Mom that she is proud of and one that she has actually spent time with and knows...

Life as a single working mom is no joke kids....I just hope I am doing a good job...and truly the only one that will be able to tell me if I am is K....lol and God knows she won't be shy about telling me how I did!

new start

2010-08-10T07:09:00.000-04:00

I started a new job yesterday, one that I think has long term potential....lol ha funny that I think that way, motherhood is a funny thing, all I want to do is give Kaitlyn everything and for that I will kiss a lot of asses and put up with some crazy bs lol but who's complaing?

why is it I can give excellent advice to my friends and family but can't figure out my own life?

2010-08-05T19:39:00.003-04:00

Why did I just have to have a sex talk with one of my cousins? Made me think that I will have to do that with K someday and I DON"T WANT TOO lol how embarrasing we're talking how will she know when she has an orgasm, and what if the guy is too big kind of talk...

Friend that is second guessing herself, you know what is right, you can change your mind or you can stand firm, only you know what is right for you, no worries on what anyone else says or thinks, your the one that has to live with the choice.

Friend that is choosing relationship over family and friends, I don't agree with you but I love you bitch and I'll be here if it becomes necessary to pick up the pieces.

Cousin, that is ratting out other cousins for stupid shit, you just went to far and the family is cutting you loose, sorry but I am standing with the family, you fucked up.

Uncle that is hanging on to ex wife, who is banging 3 men that I know of off hand, SMARTEN THE FUCK UP, she's never going to change! Though I am sure she will keep taking your money.

I am truly BLESSED

2010-08-05T15:07:00.002-04:00

So I watched this documentary : http://www.documentary.org/calendar/hbo-documentaries-homeless-motel-kids-orange-county

Seriously made me cry, I felt so bad for these families, for these children that literally live across the street from Disney and yet have never set foot within, families living in one room, little food, second hand clothes, no yard to play in, knowing things about life that no child should know, it goes on and on the things these kids and families deal with on a daily basis, things we take for granted.....this gave me such perspective....

So I just wanted to share that I KNOW I am blessed and I am so grateful that I have the things I do, and can provide my daughter with the things she has, that we have such a wonderful supportive family, great friends, all of whom I know I could count on, blessed I tell you, blessed.

I highly recommend watching this documentary if you get the chance, it changed me, and maybe it will change you, sometimes we take things for granted, little things, that we don't even realize we should be grateful for....

I feel like for a long time I abandoned my belief in God, felt like he had let me down, when in truth, I've always had more than I need and if I didn't have God, I probably wouldn't be alive with an amazing child today, don't get me wrong I am not going to turn into a holly roller (no offense to the holly rollers) but I am going to open my heart to the faith that I once had and thank God for all that I have.

Sugarland - Something More

2010-08-02T11:18:00.000-04:00

the day after....

2010-08-01T10:14:00.002-04:00

Kaitlyn's birthday party was a great success and lots of fun for all, I am EXHAUSTED, I think I need to learn less is more lol but I always worry about not having enough food, or favors or something, always have it in the back of my mind that 5 kids I didn't plan on are going to show up and cry cause there are no favors for them or something tragic like that lol or that there won't be enough activities to keep everyone busy.....I wish Paul would have been able to make it home from France to attend the party lol he's a good schmoozer, everyone loves a French accent lol

Down side, cleaning up, Tiberius (the puppy) wrapped around me with his leash, under my flip flop and took me down, sprained my ankle pretty good ;o/ stupid dog ;op

ok going to to NOTHING today lol my sisters are taking K to a movie and hanging out and I am going to lay on the lawn chair for a bit ;o)

5 years ago....

2010-07-28T11:41:00.000-04:00

I had been in labour for roughly 8 hours already....

About this time I knew Amanda's oh labour is like bad cramps, was bullshit lol but because my 2 sisters were with me there was no way I let them know just how bad it did hurt....you know sisters I would have had to hear forever about what a wuss I was lol instead they still talk about how gross it smelled in the room at the end, they really should put windows in delivery rooms, and how they thought I was trying to do a silent birth....

Hard to believe its been 5 years, time flies, really, I told Kaitlyn she wasn't going to be my baby anymore and she said she would always be my baby but she needed to get bigger but I could stay the same so she can catch up ;o) Hold I love being her mom, it makes me so full of love like no other,makes me so joyful....I am truly blessed.

Sundays

2010-07-25T14:42:00.000-04:00

Sundays are my fun day, my chill out and do nothing, nothing other than cleaning lol so far today I've had a wonderful breakfast cooked by my mom, played tea party a dozen times with Kaitlyn, made some decorations for her birthday party, got into a fight with my brother who is a jackass FYI and am now soaking up the AC with k watching a mario movie and just in general thinking*

God is good.

makes me sad....

2010-07-24T09:47:00.000-04:00

Kaitlyn sometimes asks to see her Dad, she settles for pics on facebook.... She asked to send him an invitation to her bday party next week.... I feel so bad for her, when I was 5 I was my Dad's princess and he was and is the most special man in my life. Sometimes k will ask her papa why her dad won't see her that breaks his heart as much as mine.... Oh well all I can do is what I have been doing which is try to be the best parent I can be and reassure her that she is loved and that I am sure her dad loves her but he doesn't know how to be a dad and maybe someday that will change but if not she will always be ok and always have me.

Nickelback - Rockstar [OFFICIAL VIDEO]

2010-07-22T16:41:00.000-04:00

So I am going to see Nickelback in September, great line up, going with Amanda and Chris and the newish lol guy and Karly and Paul may be going too...this video, the end was taped the last time I saw them in concert...if you squint your eyes and turn your head to the left you can see me and Amanda...right there..see? lol This was also a night that we decided to randomly talk about our craziest sex stories in the lawn section before the concert started, maybe we had a little too much tailgating lol anyway I am so looking forward to this....

Oh yeah and the newish guy, though truthfully I've known him my entire life, wants to take K and I to France for 3 weeks...HOLLY SHIT! lol

Turn Your Lights Down Low

2010-07-19T18:24:00.000-04:00

sometimes my sarcasm gets the best of me....

2010-07-14T06:28:00.001-04:00

Last night I attended a mass for my cousins boyfriend of 19 years, they had 3 kids together and he had 9 prior to that, he was only 45 and had been sufferi with lung cancer for a few years.

Of course in a family as big as mine there are a lot of people you only are at weddings and funerals....

Anyway I am there and hear one of my cousins friends telling anyone that asked that she was Missy's sister. Wtf. No your not.she actually had a few people comforting her! So I said something like funny I don't remember ever seeing you at family events before nor do I claim you as one of my own, though truthfully there are several I'd like to deny. It seriously annoyed me so much, some people are attention whores no matter where you are I guess but I wish I had let it go, I felt kinda bad about it later on....

RIP Chris

I dont hear much from Hannah but

2010-07-13T14:25:00.001-04:00

When I do she still has the power to annoy me....sent me a post supposidly from Bear's blog talking about being parental...if its true how fucking dare he utter the word Parental better to stuck with words he understands like deadbeat!

Phil Collins - Find A Way To My heart - 1990

2010-07-09T12:40:00.000-04:00

Love....

2010-07-08T11:11:00.004-04:00

Life is such a funny thing, there was a time when I couldn't have even imagined being with anyone other than Bear or after him couldn't imagine being with anyone period. A few times I would really try to get involved, and would only end up hurting the poor guy that had no idea what he did wrong, because he really didn't do anything wrong, I just felt the need to fuck things up before anything could go wrong that way I wouldn't get hurt again, because I truly felt like I couldn't be hurt like that again and survive it.....but now....

Wow! I am risking it all my heart and K's, and hell yes I am afraid but I am so willing and open to what we are getting in return....its amazing, truly amazing when you feel the love of someone that is willing to put your needs first, who thinks about ways to make you happy, that lets you vent when you need to and calls you on your bullshit, someone that treats your daughter like a daughter and wants to share in the little things that make watching her grow up so special, someone that encourages me to lean on him and not take the world on myself, someone that seriously rocks my world ;op and the fact that he does all this with a French accent doesn't hurt lol

So I'm in love, there I said it, lol well to you guys but not yet to him, though he tells me he knows....he is nothing if not confident....

Life is funny.....and I'm enjoying it ;o)

Pink - Love song ( live)

2010-06-29T08:10:00.000-04:00

Golden Girls Theme Song

2010-06-03T20:37:00.000-04:00

2010-06-01T14:37:00.000-04:00

Ha ha I was talking to the new new guy and of course we were trading war stories on ex's and he said Bear sounded 'emotionally retarded' lol totally cracked me up!

my mind is a maze of crazy

2010-05-26T11:28:00.003-04:00

So much going on I don't know where to start.

Let's start with Kev, the guy, things were going great but he is so controlling, always questioning where I was, who I was with, etc already planning on moving K and I in with him and all kinds of other annoying things and truthfully, his accent is so north shore it felt like I was having sex with a Kennedy but not in a good way lol and he constantly needed cock reassurance which at his age (40) if you aren't confident in what cha got, then you know what the deal is. So we ended as friends, funny, I am friends with all of my ex's but Bear, Kev and I are actually going out for breakfast next week so its all good. PS Kaitlyn told me Kev wasn't as handsome as her Uncle Erick and was lame like a girl who didn't comb her hair before school. lol

BUT.

There's this other guy lol apparently once I realized with Kev that I can fall for someone, I can love after Bear, guys just started stepping up and now I am playing like a playa lol no sa but this guy is easy, I don't know...I'm getting my swagga back...

My brother is a pain in the fucking ass, love him but I may also have to kill him if he doesn't lose his I'm the shit attitude.

My sisters moved to Bristol, K misses them already but I am so glad to have the extra space and it will be nice to be able to have K spend a night with them once and awhile and it will be good for us not to be living on top of one another.

Kaitlyn is great, her preschool graduation is coming up and I registered her for kindergarten, after which I totally cried lol my baby!

I have been accused of being somewhat judgemental lol by those judging me...love it!

I've been interviewing like crazy, I need a job, I can't take this much more...lol and I know my bank account can't!

Ok kids, have a great day, I am off to the beach once Kaitlyn gets out of school, she told me this morning you can't be mad when you swim so people should swim all the time ;o)

I never said I wasn't shallow.

2010-05-08T11:13:00.001-04:00

a bit.

sigh

2010-05-04T16:38:00.000-04:00

I need to slow this train down......its going WAY too fast....

hmmmmm.....

2010-04-29T12:10:00.000-04:00

Whenever I am with him I feel like I could throw up lol so I'm either in love or he completely repulses me ....

My heart has failed me before.

2010-04-27T19:04:00.004-04:00

I am in trouble, I am falling in love and really, really, REALLY don't want too.

I'd rather have hot dirty sex, no strings attached....

lol ok maybe not but I'm still not ready for love...... I don't think I could pick up the pieces if things fall apart, my heart is fragile, fucking Bear, I have a hard time trusting not only him but my instincts.....

Poison - I Won't Forget You (2001 Digital Remaster)

2010-04-24T17:17:00.000-04:00

Poison - Something To Believe In (2001 Digital Remaster)

2010-04-24T17:16:00.000-04:00

Bret Michaels - Fallen

2010-04-24T17:15:00.000-04:00

this is the part that scares me....

2010-04-23T14:13:00.000-04:00

I like him so much that I want to run and hide or fuck it up in some way so I won't get hurt later on. But he likes me enough that he's not letting me do either of those things and that my friends scares the crap out of me!

Bruce Springsteen - Fire

2010-04-21T14:04:00.000-04:00

Stooopid in love?!?

2010-04-19T18:33:00.005-04:00

Ok so there's this guy, a guy I knew when I was 15 but lost track of until recently, a guy I had a MAD crush on, a guy I am now dating and when we talk I get butterflies and when we touch my toes curl and baby when we kiss....

*butterflies*

*sigh*

*swoon*

FUCK YOU BEAR!

2010-04-12T16:17:00.002-04:00

So I get a call from my child support case worker and Bear is requesting a hearing to suspend his child support payments, which he is like 10G behind on, the BALLS of him! So I advised I would be contesting it, and the case worker advised we'd have the same judge that has been assigned to us previously so HA that judge that told him to get a second job or change careers. Fucking pisses me off, I do EVERYTHING for K and he can't even contribute to her care, he is not a man at all just a fucking boy, makes me sick! Its so irritating he gets to phone it in and I will have to go downtown, pay for parking sit around the courthouse all day till they call us and he could be home in his fucking PJ's for all I know!

What to do, what to do?!?

2010-04-11T18:27:00.003-04:00

So everyone in the family went to DC, well not Ev but he isn't here much anyway, so this means Kaitlyn and I are on our own for the week......which NEVER happens!

We have a lot to do this week, just the two of us; K has additional kindergarten testing, she scored off the charts apparently, I have a doctors appointment, K has a hearing test, K's Uncle Erick is coming for dinner one night, K has preschool and swimming and karate and we are also taking care of my parents dogs and sisters cats and lets not forget the turtle lol

Our backyard is still a pond, our excitement this week has been 2 other male ducks have been trying to take over the female, that has already mated, so her mate chases them off daily in what turns into at least an hour long LOUD duck battle lol K loves it, her Papa Erick told her the ducks are his friends so she thinks we should keep them or at least mail them to him!

Think I'll have a True Blood marathon tonight once K is asleep with a glass of wine and some scrap booking....wow I am Miss Excitement! lol don't hate ;op

My backyard....errr...back pond?!?

2010-04-05T11:58:00.001-04:00

yes there are ducks living in my backyard.......

Happy Easter!

2010-04-04T11:56:00.000-04:00

Hope everyone has a wonderful Easter! I am truly blessed with a wonderful family and some amazing friends and a daughter that is my biggest blessing.....I wish everyone could have the 'team' I have ;o)

Have a safe and happy Easter all!

water, water, everywhere.....

2010-03-31T13:50:00.004-04:00

I have so much water in my yard, ducks are living there! We have 3 pumps in the basement going pretty much non stop and we still have 6 inches of water down there! Kaitlyn's preschool was cancelled because the parking lot was under 12 inches of water!

I've been busy, went to see Daughtry & Lifehouse last week with Amanda and as always had fun though Daughtry had hair which kinda threw us off lol but K's teacher saw him a few days later and he was bald again lol lucky her!

K and I went to the New England aquarium with her Uncle Erick and had fun, they have decided this is going to be an annual trip for them, but we already have summer plans to go to Mystic and go camping and visit the zoo.....Kaitlyn showed a pic from the aquarium to her friend and said that Erick was her Dad....sad ;o(

Ya know how they say eavesdroppers never hear anything good about themselves? well totally true, I was coming downstairs and heard my name so I paused long enough to hear my siblings talking trash about me....I just went back upstairs, but it hurt my feelings, its like they see me a certain way and that's just that, no room for change or to see me for who I am today....see me as I am and not how they think I am...I feel very isolated from them now and it makes me sad that we are not closer....but at least they are awesome with K and that's all I can ask for I guess.

in happier news there is this guy and I WANT HIM lol no I really do and I know this could be something good....we'll see how it works out ;o) wish me luck!

Ok have to go check on K and her bff they are upstairs playing dollhouse and that's always a fight in the making....

Uncle!

2010-03-15T12:23:00.002-04:00

ok I usually try to be a glass is half full kind of girl but I gotta tell you I am really at my limit for what I can take, I seriously wanted to cry today for no reason at all, ok technically I have a lot of reasons.....but I hate to dwell on the bullshit....I just need to suck it up and push past this feeling... I just feel so damn needy right now and I hate that ;o/

Revis - Seven

2010-03-15T11:07:00.001-04:00

That's right, I called you a bitch!

2010-03-10T01:27:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I get a little bitter, its true lol can't lie....I get mad that Bear seemingly never thinks about Kaitlyn: did she have enough to eat today? is she warm enough? to warm? feverish? cold? to cold? does she have a cold? did she brush her teeth? did she go to the bathroom? did she have enough to drink? eat? did she have fruit? veggies? protein? is she happy? healthy? getting the stimulation she needs? social? getting exercise? have friends? is she spolied? does she have enough toys? too much? does she lack in anyway? is our house nice enough? our neighborhood? city? Is she in the right school? Is she learning too fast? to slow? not enough? too much? The list goes on and on....things that creep in my mind throughout the day, every day....

When I was with Bear I loved him more than I loved myself, which in retrospect is pathetic, you shouldn't love someone more than you love yourself, you should hold your self in the highest regard....I thought he was a man of honour, integrity, pride, ambition; I thought he was handsome and sweet and as compassionate as he was passionate; I respected him and admired him and being with him made me feel beautiful and special and wonderful.....and I thought that there wasn't anything I wouldn't do for him....now of course I see he's pretty much a shadow of that man and more of a bitch.

lol did that make me sound bitter? I don't know if its really bitter or just over it, sad that he's not a tenth of the man he was when we were together....I had my cards read once and it said that he would know no happiness until he sought forgiveness.....I would like to say that I don't hope that's true and part of me does want him to be happy but another part of me the vengeful part - Kaitlyn's Mommy-wants him to be miserable and suffer, not for all the tears I've cried for him, but for the ones our 4 year old daughter has shed for him, no child should have to cry that her Daddy doesn't love her, and why doesn't she have a Daddy.....

singing this for you.....

2010-03-09T14:33:00.001-05:00

sometimes you have to eat shit...

2010-03-03T10:08:00.001-05:00

I get that...but seriously does it always have to be my turn?

Then and now....

2010-03-01T10:45:00.003-05:00

So it occurred to me how different I am now as opposed to say when I was 16..... lol I was reminded of a time when I found out my boyfriend had cheated on me and me in my 16 year old wisdom, found out who he cheated on me with and went to her house, knocked on her door, told her Mom I was there to kick her ass for fucking my bf and then procedure to kick her ass on her own lawn until her Mom said she had, had enough. Afterwards I drove to the bf's told him what had happened and punched him in the face and left.

LOL

Where was THAT girl when Bear dumped me? Wouldn't she have stormed his house and forced him to at least look me in the eye when he ripped my heart out and denied our daughter?

Sometimes I've thought that when I had chemo my spirit was killed along with the cancer cells...I don't think I am brave anymore and I used to be so brave....

Kaitlyn is fearless, I love that about her....maybe when you have a child you have to just be strong and not worry so much about being brave.....you just are when you need to be....

anyway, just thought it was funny when my friend that drove with me to kick that girls ass long ago, reminded me about it, I had forgotten to be honest and it had me literally laughing out loud thinking who was that? lol I want to buy THAT girl a drink!

weak.

2010-02-27T19:24:00.001-05:00

Joe Cocker - A Little Help From My Friends - Woodstock 1969

2010-02-27T11:01:00.001-05:00

oops!

2010-02-25T17:55:00.000-05:00

So I got a friend request on facebook from Hannah * and of course I blocked her, well turns out it wasn't that Hannah lol my cousins step daughter has the same name only she's about 12 lol she cried to my cousin that I didn't want to be her friend lol my bad! So I of course added her lol

Styx: Renegade LIVE!

2010-02-24T19:52:00.001-05:00

This song is stuck in my head.....heard it on the radio yesterday on my way home....

why?

2010-02-20T09:53:00.000-05:00

Why is karate always so damn cold?

Why did I let kaitlyn pick her own clothes today and get herself dressed? We got in the changing room and she realized she forgot to wear panties.

the government is retarded....

2010-02-18T19:18:00.000-05:00

How stupid is it that my 87 year old Nana, who has never worked gets a refund check for $300??? Also several people that I know on disability also got $300 back!

Our taxdollars at work!

Oh and my favorite new scam letting someone not on welfare claim your kids on their tax return so they can split the money!

Sade - Soldier of Love

2010-02-15T21:49:00.001-05:00

2010-02-15T21:31:00.000-05:00

Sometimes the most unexpected thing can throw you into a tailspin.....

This made me throw up a little....

2010-02-10T17:15:00.002-05:00

Ok Bret I forgave a lot of stuff, hello Rock of Love, but Miley, really Bret? And umm...... the song kinda creeps me out....

mixed emotions....

2010-02-09T20:43:00.002-05:00

I'm torn, my brother has been dating this girl for several months now and he really likes her and I am happy for him BUT...come on you knew there was going to be a but right?!? BUT, I don't even know how to put this, you know when you get a vibe from someone and you know you just aren't going to be friends? yup I get that with her, at first I didn't know what it was but suddenly it hit me and this is totally going to sound horrible.....she's like my sister Erin.

Now don't get me wrong I'm not saying that I don't like Erin, and I'm not saying that I don't like his new gf, I'm just saying that my relationship with Erin takes work because truthfully if we weren't related we would probably not be friends, we just are polar opposites, but Erin and the new gf have a wicked lot in common and both of them have remarked that they'd love to hang out just them....

So I am happy that my brother has found someone, and I am happy that Erin will have a new friend, but sad a bit that if this is the one, I won't have a sister in law that I'm close too....but I guess if I was close to her Erin would 't be lol

Ok well hopefully I'll have better luck with brother in laws ;op

PS

I know the gf is a nice person cause K~ loves her!

For you Cyn ;o)

2010-02-04T21:16:00.001-05:00

How much more can a person take?

2010-02-04T14:15:00.002-05:00

So not only does Kaitlyn have to have dental surgery but she has pneumonia! I haven't slept in 4 days because she has been so miserable and at night I can't seem to stop from checking on her every 2 seconds to make sure she is still breathing that's if I don't hear her coughing...of course her doctor didn't have to reaffirm that pneumonia is the leading cause of death in children under 5! The meds they gave us suck, I literally have to have my Mom hold K down while I hold her nose and force her to drink, usually we're both crying at the end and my mom tells me to get over it lol thanks mom! Guess you have to have a few kids before you get to that point of casualness about it, I do remember my parents having to do that with my sister Cyndi one time when she was little and caught pink eye.

Last night as if it weren't enough that K was puking and miserable, Jazz, the cat, decided to get in on it, I had to change two sets of sheets and K and my pjs twice as well, so today there is a lot of laundry to be done!

My sister Erin is the best, she ran to the store this morning and got all kinds of supplies for K to keep her happy, well as happy as a sick child can be I guess....Erin and I have really bonded this last year and I am very happy about that.

OK i think I am going to try to catch a nap with K while watching the CareBears, K's obsession ;o)

sigh

2010-02-03T08:01:00.004-05:00

I guess Bear has been on a lot of minds this week, last night as she does every Tuesday Kaitlyn called her Papa, Bear's Dad, and they talked for a bit and then it was my turn and though we generally skirt any mention of Bear last night was different, last night we actually talked about him and his lack of relationship with Kaitlyn. It was harder and easier than I'd imagined it would be, its so crazy to think that I probably have more of a relationship with his family than he does at this point....his Dad said some things to me that made me want to cry because I know how hard it has to be for him, how it must be a shameful thing to have a son that denies his own child especially considering the sacrifices that he and Bear's Mom made for their children it must be alien to him to understand his sons choices....

anyway it was that thing I think I've been missing in my own healing process, to hear his Dad say that he was proud of me and that I was doing a wonderful job raising his granddaughter and that he was grateful that I opened our lives to him and that as far as Bear goes, that's on him.

I've known all along that it was on him, but to hear his dad confirm it, helped me to realize I really have done all I can do, have gone above and beyond and I can take comfort in that.....that and my daughter.

FISHBONE-EVERYDAY SUNSHINE

2010-02-02T16:25:00.001-05:00

Limp Bizkit - Break Stuff

2010-01-28T18:32:00.001-05:00

One of those FUCKING days !!!!!!!!! I'm seriously about to lose my shit!

* Stay Away! *

2010-01-21T17:37:00.004-05:00

This is a warning; I am a hardcore bitch at this moment: if you do not heed this warning I will not be responsible for loss of teeth.

Stevie Nicks - Landslide

2010-01-21T14:57:00.001-05:00

wow.

2010-01-18T13:10:00.002-05:00

Kaitlyn told me today, out of the blue, that she doesn't want to talk about her Dad anymore, she doesn't want to hear the word Dad.

I tried to talk to her about it but she shut me down.

My poor baby....

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are.....

2010-01-11T11:24:00.007-05:00

......or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
Jack Handey SNL

Things that are on my mind:

* My sister Cyn is now not coming home till mid March, I miss her so much, but I can honestly say that the time with Erin has been good for us, I think we found our balance with one another without needing Cyn as a buffer.

* patriots broke my heart

* it is FUCKING cold outside!!!!!!
* I have been cleaning and cleaning and donating things and you can't even tell, lol Hoarders here I come!

* the dojo is so cold at Karate, are they always like that?!? I sit in the waiting room watching K and I shiver while she is out there busting a sweat, I don't think that can be healthy going from one extreme to another? She is an orange belt at 4....she tells me its not fun, its good exercise lol....

* I am so proud of my sister Erin for getting her masters with honors, now Everett is going for his and Cyndi plans on getting hers so I feel this pressure to go get mine too lol BUT I DON'T WANT TOO!!!!!! Though I am seriously considering going back to college to revamp my skills....oh well I guess, I have always been somewhat of a black sheep in our family and hey its a tough job but someones gotta do it!

* we had fun at Mary and Dustin's birthday party this weekend, so much so that K was mad at me for making her leave, told me not to talk to her on the way home....which brings me to....

* Kaitlyn is so fresh lately its seriously driving me crazy, I am trying to get her in check but seriously may lose my sanity before we reach kindergarten!

* I have to be honest I just don't get the Harry Reid controversy. I don't know any black people who wouldn't agree with Reid's private comment. ... in fact I had a similar conversation with a black man during the election who said basically the exact thing Reid is quoted as saying....anything to divert attention I guess....

* had 3 interviews last week and all went well, not sure how into the jobs I am yet but its still early in the process.... one of the interviewers called me a rock star in my field, which made my ego swell a bit lol it occurs to me that while I flounder in insecurity in my personal life I am hella confident in my work life...

* Kaitlyn has told me she WILL be famous and on TV....she also told me she will go to space and travel the world....lol ahhh to be 4!

* I have decided to switch some things up in my life, have been working on a few things....hope that this is the change I need....

* Kaitlyn is still asking about her Dad....breaks my heart when she cries over him....

* Hopefully unemployment will kick in by the end of the month cause I am one broke bitch lol I probably shouldn't have put K into preschool this session but I can't see her stay at home and not be in school just so I can have a few extra bucks so I will just suck it up as all single mom's learn to do.

* hate when someone gets a new boyfriend/girlfriend and abandons everyone else.

* K got a leap frog tag for Christmas and I can't get this thing to download for the life of me its making me fucking crazy...er...crazier...

* I spend WAY too much time on facebook!

*K has taken over my netflix account!

* I am lonley, I don't need a man in my life, but I find that I want one and its time

* If I am honest I will admit I have a habit of hiding; hiding behind my weight or Kaitlyn or the wrong man and I am not going to do that anymore I need to be the person I am inside and not be afraid to be hurt, I need to be an example to my daughter on how strong and confident a woman can be and how you can have it all if you work for it....

* I have an addiction to Diet Dr. Pepper

* Kaitlyn makes me laugh every day but she also drives me crazy every day lol I guess that is the joy of being a parent.

* I watch too much reality TV.

*I heart my new Video camera I got for Xmas, thanks Ev!

Ok that's it for now I have to go pick K up from preschool and pop in the library....have a great day all!