When its over....

Life is crazy, Nana dies and I end up somehow being the person to plan her wake and funeral and all the little details, delivered the eulogy ....hardest thing I've ever done in my life, I sweated every detail, wanted every thing to be perfect, and I feel like it was, the bagpipes playing her in and out of the church, the flowers, the eulogy that I spent 2 days writing...for me the love is in the details....faced family that I no longer associate with...I truly did my best and at the end of the day, my family, close and extended came together and paid respect to my amazing grandmother, and my family actually appreciated my efforts, they thanked me, said I brought them laughter and tears...and I just don't know how to express how grateful I am that we were able to send Nana off with the dignity and respect she earned and that they didn't resent my efforts.

Now that I don't have the hospital or hospice and a funeral to plan, its hard to get back to normal, what is normal? how can I be normal without her in my life?  As with all deaths it makes you reevaluate your own life and I find myself thinking about relationships I have, or have had and want to have and think I am going to be making some changes...life is short, you realize that when your 89 year old grandmother clings to every second she can because she can't give up, she is where I get my strength from and I pray that I can be a tenth of the woman she was.

Sometimes I bring too much on myself, sometimes I fight for things that I shouldn't, I hold on to things too tightly, am too controlling...and I just need to learn to let go.... LET GO, LET GOD...

Numb....

I feel so numb from losing Nana, I thought I'd be way more emotional, I mean I have cried a thousand times but I feel like I haven't touched the surface of my pain...I have to be strong for my family, I've been making decisions and keeping people in order and feel like the second we hear those bagpipes playing I'm going to lose my shit.

I am afraid of that, I'm afraid once I start letting go I won't be able to stop, knowing I wont ever hear my Nana laugh again, the last of my grandparents, the end of an era....I don't know that I can hold our family together as she'd want, don't know if I want that responsibility...

For now I am off to visit the priest and discuss the sermon....

Lost my Nana today....other than the title this song fits...

Heavy heart...

So my Nana has been 10 days without food and 4 without fluids...people in Ethiopia starve to death, not your 89 year old grandmother in RI.... every day I go and see her and say goodbye, every morning I wake up and call hospice and find she somehow, made it through the night, every day they say, this is is and yet she defies them all....I pray that Kaitlyn and I have that strength within....

My mothers family is a mess, somehow there is no insurance and I found myself asking everyone in the family for donations, found myself making the arrangements, picking out caskets and prayer cards and buying clothes for her to be buried in and she's not even dead yet...half of my family grudgingly respects me and the other half hates my guts. 

K is pissed at me because I've been distracted and away from home a bit making arrangements and rushing to hospice every time they call and say she's only got hours left.....I told her I have a responsibility lol she told me my responsibility is to her lol God I love that mouthy brat!

I'm doing my best, juggling being a single mom, losing my grandmother, trying to be there for my family, trying to make sure my Nana goes out with the dignity she deserves, trying to keep up with school and all K's actvities....I would really just love to lean on someone right now,  but instead I will hold my head up and hope my Nan goes peacefully, and hope that everyone does the right thing and that they know I just want whats best for our family.

Brad Paisley - When i Get Where I'm Going Live ( acoustic )

For my Nana....

She makes me laugh....

One of my favorite things about being Kaitlyn's Mommy is she makes me laugh, every single day, no matter how I feel, no matter what is going on, at some point in the day she is going to make me laugh....just typing this makes me smile, she truly is a gift.